21 years ago today, Megan died. It was a Monday night and she had been in a coma for 10 days. She just took in one last raspy breath and never breathed again. It was just me and Dennis with her in the end, just like it was just me and Dennis with her in the beginning. She was 18 months old. Still a baby. The fifth of five girls. My baby girl. She had only been walking for 3 months. I like to think it was because God knew I wouldn't have much time to hold her and so he allowed me more time to carry her around in my arms.
You would think that after 21 years it would get easier, and it has in some respects. I don't cry all the time and the painful heartache isn't a constant companion anymore. But the emptiness still
lingers around me and I miss her terribly even after all these years. I wonder what she would be doing, if she would be married, where she would be working, what she would love, and what would make her laugh. I wonder who she would look like and what her personality would be. When we all get together and the other girls laugh, and cry, and tease, and fill my house with love for each other, I wish Megan was here and a part of the sisterhood that they share. I miss that the most.
And so we will all go to the cemetary today, and do the only thing we can do for her, the same thing we have done every year on this date for 20 years. We will put flowers on her grave and tie balloons to the vase and remember this sweet, beautiful, dark haired little girl who once upon a time was in our arms. And then we will continue on with our lives without her. I am so grateful for the short time I had with her. I am so grateful for the understanding of the gospel that I have so that I know where she is and that I will see her again. That gives me peace and hope and the ability to go on. But I still miss her. Everyday, I still miss her.
7 comments:
Okay, that made me cry mom! The simple fact that you and dad went on with life after something that hard is beyond my wildest dreams and I admire you both. It was nice today, nice to be there. I still remember her and when Cabe and Stockton shut their bedroom door to keep Cole out, I remember HOW guilty I felt for doing that same thing to Megan. I think of her a lot. I'm sorry for what today marks. Love you!
how sweet. i am glad we had a small time with her, and wish for more, too! hopefully there is some way to make up for growing up without her in the next life, I am not sure how that all works! let us all pray to not have to go through that with our kids! we love you!
(sniff) I wish so much that we could have her here in our "sisterhood." I wish even more that you and Dad hadn't had to say good-bye to that sweet baby. I'm so glad we'll see her again. In the meantime, I love you!
I'm at work taking a little lunch break and now I'm all choked up. The things you said were so tender. I am glad for a couple of times over the years when I have been able to be with you guys when you went to the cemetery. I often forget when I'm with you that you have this little 'hole' in your heart, because you are so upbeat all the time. Thanks for reminding me of how near and dear to your heart all of this still is (how could it not be--but I on the peripheral tend to forget--a mother never does). Love you guys! Kenny
Pam this is beautiful. Even though I was only 11 I still remember it so well. I look up to you and Dennis and the wonderful family that you have. You are an example to me as a mother.
This made me cry. I can feel the love you have for this sweet, sweet daughter. Families are wonderful! It is such a comfort to know the eternal plan.
Sincerely, Bev. I
I think about you guys every Thanksgiving because we were having dinner at Marjean's, and if I remember right, you and I were both pregnant that year, you with Megan and me with Amber. I cried and cried when I heard about your loss and now I'm crying again too.
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