I was thinking today while I was out walking that there are several things in my life that have changed forever because my mother died. It's not the obvious things like the glaring fact that she is no longer a viable part of my everyday life. It's just some small things, quiet things, unobvious things that have changed my little world. Some are good. Some are not-so-good. Some are just what they are. So here they are:
I wear waterproof make-up. All the time. Everyday.
I notice the color red. All the time. Everywhere.
I eat differently. I Sleep differently. I exercise.
Sunsets are more beautiful. So are Fall leaves. So are Spring flowers.
Hawaii has a melancholy aspect to it.
The 4th of July will never be the same. Neither will Christmas. Neither will Thanksgiving.
My place in this life has moved up. I have no grandmothers. I have no mother. I'm next in line.
Going to Malad is "going to dad's or grandpa's". Calling the cell phone is "calling dad".
A lot of my "joys" are not doubled and most of my sorrows are not divided.
I have deep, deep regrets, that can sometimes paralyze me, about things I said or did that hurt her (intentional or not), and there is no way to work through it. (Don't lecture me on how she has forgiven me and wouldn't want me to feel this way. I know, I know--doesn't help.)
Sometimes she is in my dreams. Most of the time she doesn't talk, she's just there and it is ALWAYS surprising to see her. (These are dreams, nothing spiritual. Really.)
My relationship with my father has changed.
I feel a deep empathy now for anyone who loses a parent.
I go to the cemetary in Malad everytime I go to Malad.
Eventhough my life has been changed forever in the blink of an eye, I find also that my life is starting to move on. I am beginning to get used to life without my mother. I am not sure I am ready for that. But if I have learned anything from losing my daughter Megan, I have learned that life moves on, ready or not. And these changes, the big ones and the little ones, are part of this new life that is mine. sigh.
7 comments:
I notice red, too! All over!! You are not next, I wont hear that:) I wont accept that. I love you:)
amen. I notice red everywhere i go. and i love it. i feel like it's a little touch grandma left here on earth for us to remember her by. just a little quick hello everytime I see a red flower, or a red shirt just my grandma saying "i'm looking after you... keep it up!"
you write beautifully, Pam.
So weird... grandma has been in my dreams a couple times and it's the SAME thing. She's there, but doesn't really interact. I always ask if others can see her, and they say yes... and it's just SOOO nice to have her there....
I love your blog and your posts... I miss grandma a lot.
And I agree with Jenna... you will not speak of this "next" business.. :)
Love you!
I think I have to stop reading your posts about grandma, because I just sit here with tears running down my face. Beautiful to read. Just hard. :) I love you! And I love your love for your mom.
My dear Auntie Pam, all your posts about Grandma are so beautiful. I love reading them. And like Jenna and Dara, I always think of her when I see red. Love you!
I think of grandma often, too. I hope that never stops. She is a great woman and left a great legacy behind. I am glad there are things to remind us of her.
This is all so very true! But the most important part of it is the last part... life does continue to move...I too have learned that one the hard way! All of our lives are changed forever...and you just did a great job of saying how and why...and most of all, you did a great job of making me cry! (thanks! each time I cry is a little bit of a relief...really.)
Love ya!
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